Driving Lackey

It had been a few years since last driving for The Boss, but today I was back at it, pinch hitting for an absent staff member. I love to drive for The Boss. It consistently provides the most “lol what the hell is my life” moments of any activity. And of course it is great to have extended time with The Boss to exchange opinions on Japan and the World and the local ramen scene. I openly lobby for some things too. Some would pay a lot to have that opportunity.

Last night the security person texted me to confirm our morning meeting time prior to Boss pickup. That there is security reminded me that The Boss has moved up a lot in the eyes of the world. When he was newer on the scene and would appear next to a more prominent person, people often mistook him for the security.

Having security along while I drive is interesting, since, being highly trained, they could of course drive better, but do not because the activities The Boss does on a Saturday locally are not public work, but rather political and therefore not to be supported using public resources. So I drive while they provide security—which is surprisingly necessary.

But I am pretty good at it. I have always been a favorite driver of his. The job is simple on the surface but can go very badly if not approached thoroughly. So I make a mental game of it and strive to be as perfect as possible.

Seventeen years ago the driving itself was quite speed-focused. The Boss was feverishly rushing about to please everyone and accomplish every commitment in an unreasonably long list. Now there is just as much importance in every itinerary item, but the quantity has been reduced by a meaningful 10 to 15%. Now the driving must be impeccably safe—the worst scenario is that anyone gets hurt—but still as efficient and quick as possible.

The overarching principle that was drummed into our heads as aides from Day One is to approach every task as if you were The Boss himself, then obtain all the information he would need. So I do a number of tiny things to make our travel go smoothly with the highest level of certainty possible. Foremost is to get the itinerary days in advance and go on my own to every place on it. There is no substitute for seeing every place in person. There is no allowance for wrong turns or searching around for the place or believing anyone’s instructions on how to get there or find it. Google Maps may give you a route that requires driving through a fence. Construction might close a street. You visit every location on your own the day before if possible and personally walk from where the car lets out the passenger to the door of the place. You scout out where you will turn the vehicle around and wait for The Boss to emerge, pointed in the right direction to move to the next place. You check entry from multiple directions, because the order you planned can easily be eviscerated by an unscheduled addition or subtraction or stop at a ramen shop.

Sure enough, the original plan of attack was changed and I won’t say by whom but I will say it rhymes with “The Hoss.” And changed for the worse. Not way worse, but we might’ve hit one more location with my plan. Ah well. One does not dabble in told you so’s in this situation. A road I proposed but was vetoed also turned out better than the one we took. This too was a silent victory for me.

Another thing to confirm is the name of the head of every organization that The Boss might meet with, or of events he may attend. He will be asked to give greetings and needs to mention the head of the organization. So you have to not only read that from the daily itinerary, but also check independently whether that information is correct. You will have one second to answer when The Boss says “what was the new president’s name again?” while disembarking to head inside.

A George Constanza-esque notion that enters my head when in the vehicle with security is to say to them, “Just FYI, I can shoot a gun pretty well. [awkward pause] You know, if needed or whatever.”

There will be no such need.

One well appreciated tiny thing is to have The Boss’s smokes at the ready, out of the cellophane wrapper and in their box, in my suit coat pocket. Countless times The Boss has said “tobacco” and beamed when it was produced immediately. The moment has often been used as an example for other aides or interns. “See, that’s an aide who knows what he is doing.”

Yes, tobacco is bad for you. But I quite like the smell and am not there to do anything except make the day go smoothly. So let me enjoy its presence. Many is the time I have found a pack of cigarettes in a long-unused suit pocket. My wife learned early that I was not in fact a secret smoker but would often be carrying. In recent years, though, there are fewer friends to give the cigarettes if I discover them unused—so many people have quit since 2005. That’s a good thing, of course.

A new wrinkle to driving is to do it wearing a mask. I wear glasses when driving, and until temperatures stabilize, masks fog them up. My vision is good enough that I always pass the driver license vision test so that I am not legally required to wear glasses, but I prefer them. Today I took them off when needed due to the fogging. Not ideal but not fatal.

There was a lot of traffic today. We struggled to get to each location. But I made no mistakes and the conversations in the car were fun.

The last few locations we visited were on very narrow streets without outlets. Navigating those places and turning the vehicle around is such a pain. And then the road we meant to take to the one major event was absolutely gridlocked. So I took us out of the city, onto an expressway, and back around to the location to get us there on time and save probably a half an hour. This unconventional maneuver was initially cause for concern and then celebration.

There were visitors to the office at lunchtime, so I got a delicious sukiyaki-juu. If not for that we would have hit one of the many ramen or other food places that The Boss knows I like. But this was great too.

At the last event of the evening, an organization’s informal but lively bonenkai, the security person and I ate a really nice sushi bento along with snacks from a tray. While hearing soliloquies from the two nice old men across from us who had been drinking for at least an hour before our arrival.

I got to know the security person a lot better throughout the day. And made them laugh harder than they wanted to a few times. Both of our jobs in this situation are simultaneously interesting and tedious. It is definitely a lot nicer to have them along.

Then the itinerary was over. We went from 8:30 AM to 9:00 PM—a pretty usual Saturday for this line of work. As always happens, I came home with some of the fancy sweets people give the office as gifts. The family would be happy to have me do this every week just for the sweets. But a couple times a year is plenty.